A BDSM checklist is not a vending machine. Tick “rope,” insert consent, receive scene.
It is a way to reveal mismatched meanings before bodies and authority enter the room. One person's “impact” means six playful swats. Another person's means marks, endurance, and a ritual they have been thinking about for years.
Use the checklist to create questions, not permission that lasts forever.
Use four answers, not three
For each activity, choose:
- Yes — interested under the conditions listed
- Maybe — needs discussion, education, a lower intensity, or a specific partner/context
- No — not available
- Fantasy only — hot in imagination, not wanted in real life
“Fantasy only” prevents a common error: treating arousal as a request.
Then answer separately for giving and receiving. Wanting to spank does not mean wanting to be spanked.
Copyable activity matrix
| Activity | Give | Receive | Yes / Maybe / No / Fantasy | Conditions or questions | |---|---|---|---|---| | Blindfold / sensory restriction | | | | | | Cuffs / soft restraint | | | | | | Rope floor work | | | | | | Suspension | | | | training, rigger, risk level | | Spanking | | | | hand/tool, area, intensity | | Impact with implements | | | | | | Scratching / biting | | | | marks, locations | | Wax / temperature | | | | product, skin, intensity | | Nipple play / clamps | | | | pressure, monitoring | | Verbal praise | | | | words wanted | | Degradation / humiliation | | | | forbidden words/topics | | Orders / protocol | | | | scene-only or ongoing | | Orgasm control | | | | duration, end condition | | Chastity | | | | device, hygiene, release | | Toys / penetration | | | | body area, size, barriers | | Anal play | | | | preparation, barriers, base | | Roleplay | | | | roles, language, stop signal | | Exhibition in a private event | | | | audience, photos, venue rules | | Service tasks | | | | scope and time | | Aftercare touch | | | | wanted/not wanted |
Do not include illegal or nonconsensual scenarios as executable options. A fantasy can stay fantasy.
Add an intensity scale
Yes to an activity is not yes to every intensity.
Use a simple scale:
1 — symbolic: the idea is present; sensation is light. 2 — playful: clearly felt, easy to talk through. 3 — scene intensity: planned, focused, may leave temporary effects. 4 — advanced: requires experience, education, additional risk planning. 5 — not currently available.
Write examples. Numbers without shared meaning are decoration.
The conditions page
For every yes or maybe, complete what matters:
People: only with established partner / instructor present / group setting / never with strangers Place: home / private studio / public dungeon / not outdoors State: sober / rested / no current injury / no time pressure Equipment: purpose-built / personally owned / barrier used / quick release available Marks: none / covered areas / specific locations Privacy: no photos / per-image permission / scene name only Aftercare: touch / space / water / food / next-day message Review trigger: new partner / new equipment / injury / bad experience / date
The condition is part of the yes. Remove it and the answer may become no.
Safewords and nonverbal signals
Record the system on the same page:
Green: continue / check-in response Yellow: slow down, reduce, reposition, or pause Red: stop the activity and release restraint Nonverbal red: two taps / drop object / hand signal / other
Practice it before the scene. Our soft BDSM beginner's guide explains how to make the signal work before intensity rises.
Disclosures that affect the scene
Invite relevant voluntary information without demanding a person's entire history:
- current pain, injury, mobility, sensation, allergies, or skin concerns
- medications or health conditions the person believes affect the plan
- panic, dissociation, or trauma triggers they want the partner to know
- areas that must not be touched or restrained
- pregnancy possibility where relevant to the activity
- emergency plan and contact
This is not amateur diagnosis. It is information for deciding whether to modify, seek qualified guidance, or skip an activity.
Make “no” easy to update — and easy to keep
Nobody owes a reason for no. Nobody earns a maybe through persistence. A changed yes is not betrayal.
Date the checklist and set a review date. Do not quietly convert last year's document into current consent. Revisit it after a strong scene, a conflict, a new relationship, or a change in health.
For a lighter entry path, pair the list with our soft BDSM beginner's guide and pick one low-complexity yes.
The checklist is successful when it produces a smaller, clearer scene — not when every row becomes available.
